This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Baking is just science you can eat.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
my name if I was in the mob
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
How to walk around a museum
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……