Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what