Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

Good lord

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”