This is my brand.
You Might Also Like
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*looks at you in batman voice*
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
🐕🍷
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early