This is my brand.
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I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Squirrels before girls.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.