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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Just parrot things
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.