This is my bus stop.
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HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Body by burrito
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.