This is my bus stop.
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Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Lmao
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.