This is my cat’s medicine.
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If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Husband of the year 😂
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym