This is my cat’s medicine.
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Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime