{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
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set yourself free xox
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
This did not end as expected.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined