That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
(yawn)
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.