Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

it is time once again

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something