This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
LA today:
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera