Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
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The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
7: I’m beating you!
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”