This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!