@nattylumpo88

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

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@Adar79Angie

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

@charliedelta7

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

@TheHyyyype

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

@KalvinMacleod

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

@MavenofHonor

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

@Dawn_M_

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

@IGotsSmarts

The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”