This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?