Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’