*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
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How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity