This is my emotional support chloroform rag
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ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]