Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins