Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

sleeping beauty

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!