This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.