This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
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i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
So sick of all these stupid rules
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.