This is my emotional support knife.
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.