Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

me in a relationship:

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

hmm conte-me mais

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.