Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.