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My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
