This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
everyone has that one prude friend
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
