This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer