This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Well, my evening plans are ruined
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.