This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
At an art museum and I thought this was art