This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
You Might Also Like
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
This makes total sense…
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.