this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
How about daylight saves us for once
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss