this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
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What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Well well well…
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.