this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
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Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’m ready to try another planet.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia