this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
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The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
getting old is fun
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired