this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
You Might Also Like
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.