This is my favorite one of these!
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.