This is my favorite one of these!
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IT’S-A ME,
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
How wrong was this guy?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.