This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
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One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
584.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote