This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.