this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
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Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
me and the Superbowl rn
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.