this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
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Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.