Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

a public service announcement

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords