This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:
“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”
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Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.