This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:
“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”
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A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?