”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Breaking news:
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.