”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Matthew was born for this.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket