”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!