Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

what’s really going on

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl