Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?