This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen