This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
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Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D