This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great