This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
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I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money