Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…