This is my pinned tweet
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If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.