This is my pinned tweet
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Before & after 😅
