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If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices