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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles


If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend


My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.


*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone


uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is


I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity


[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum


doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy