This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
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Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
me when somebody idk start touching me