Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius