This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
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me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.