This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
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14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.