This is no longer an app but a mishapp
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
