This is no longer an app but a mishapp
You Might Also Like
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.