This is no longer an app but a mishapp
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The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter