This is no longer winter this is harassment
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Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.