This is no longer winter this is harassment
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“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?