This is no longer winter this is harassment
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As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
put ‘er there pardner!
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?