Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

this… may be the greatest story ever told

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

This is so wrong 😂

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

lol