Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

dictator is short for richard potato

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

The answer is funnier than the question

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

🪶

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

the simulation is moving too fast

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”