Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind