“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
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*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.