Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

Every work meeting this week

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people