THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
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8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!