Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

Comparing yourself to others

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

🥶🥶🐶🐶

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.